Who Would I Be, Had I Not Been Assaulted?
Have you ever asked yourself who you would have been had you not been sexually violated? If you are anything like me, you have asked yourself this question more than once on your journey. Specifically, I wonder what my life would've been like had I not been violated at such a young age. I was 5yrs old the first time I recall someone touching me inappropriately. Now at age 44, I can clearly see the many ways that trauma has impacted my life and have the painful awareness that I never really became acquainted with "Little Lori" before the assault but I will attempt to describe who I recall her being.
Little Lori
I think anyone who new me pre- assault would tell you that I was the kind of kid that really wanted to help. I guess this part of me has not changed as I have fallen into this profession. However, had you asked me at the age of five, I would've told you that I wanted to be a teacher. Probably because of my instinct to nurture. Being a nurturer by nature, Little Lori often cared for younger siblings and was VERY protective of them. To be honest, I still
am. I recall being a happy girl. I loved being silly with my siblings and had a healthy imagination. I recall welcoming appropriate physical affection from friends and family and giving it freely as well. I was fearless like most young girls with loads of confidence. I recall being highly inquisitive and enjoyed learning. Little Lori almost always wore a smile and rarely questioned authority. I knew I was special and felt loved by my village and I loved God with all my heart.
Lori After Sexual Assault
As I am sure you know, sexual trauma changes you. In fact, one of my specialties is teaching my
clients is the many hidden ways in which it changes you. To teach it, I had to first become aware of the crevices within me that it was rearing its ugly head. As controversial as my approach to sexual trauma might be, I believe that sexual trauma can bring about a spiritual transformation when we allow it to. I was so angry for so long that it happened. However, once I came into the awareness of how this anger was impacting me, I knew I had work to do. I went from being that loving happy little girl to being this angry woman. While I have moved past the anger and even allowed it to teach me some things, I find myself still being very guarded and unable to give love freely as I once did. When I find myself having this guard, I focus on love to remove the guard reminding myself that "I am safe, divinely protected and guided". Likewise, I am diligently working on myself spiritually to let love in the way that our great spiritual teachers advise. I use to hold the opinion that those that violated me had stolen my childhood innocence and I thought this perspective would never change. However, I have learned some things and I am hoping that after I break this down, you will agree. Now, after learning and embracing the stoics, I now hold the opinion that sexual assault happened for me, not to me. Further, spirituality has taught me that all things work together for my good, if I want it too. This was challenging because what was necessary to move past the anger meant I had to work on my heart.
Fear
Fear. Where shall I even begin? This four letter world caused me to live my life from, and in, this space. It affected the way I saw others. Sexual trauma told me that I could not, and should not trust others because they did not have good intentions and would ultimately hurt me. Fear also even affected the way that I parented my children. In fact, I have the awareness that I was projecting my fear onto my children. My children were robbed of a portion of their childhood experiences because of my fear. This meant that sleepovers, and staying after school for special events was not an option because it was not just me that was afraid but I had successfully taught them to be afraid as well.
Lastly, sexual trauma caused me to fear God. Now, in full transparency, sexual trauma was not the solely responsible for this fear as religion most certainly played a role, but I will talk about that in another blog post. My fear of God ultimately made me not develop a relationship with God. I literally had access to the energy of God and didn't engage it. that In the places where I should have been able to trust God, I was fearful of God and his ability to truly guide me. Being violated caused me to question and feel judged by God.
What I Now Know
While my curiosity may cause me to question who I would've been had I not been violated, I have learned to no longer allow this question to taunt me. The reason for this is simple. I now understand that who I am now is no doubt who I was meant to become. Spiritually speaking, I believe that sexual trauma had to happen. This mountain was one I was meant to climb so that I might find myself. My true self. My God self. The bible says in I Cor. 10:13), "The Lord never promised that
we could pick our cross, but He promised to be there to help us bear it. The Lord is faithful!" This scripture is helping us to know that we will have something in our life that we must endure and when it happens, we are not alone. Notice the scripture does not state that God will remove the cross. It further does not suggest that some will have a cross and others not. For some, this cross might be the loss of a parent or child. For others the cross may be going through a divorce or the loss of a dream job. All of these situations indicate a loss was had. My cross of sexual trauma was the loss of my innocence. The space in life where we are free of worry or care and allowed to just, be. Each of these situations also offer the opportunity of gain. The loss of a parent or child can help a family gain new perspective and value life. differently. Divorce can open one up to find the absolute love of their life to live out the rest of their days with someone that is more aligned with who they are becoming. Losing the dream job may help one gain the courage to start their own company. The possibilities are literally endless. These circumstances have the possibility to do a lot but require first a shift in one's perspective. It is in that perspective shift of your cross that you gain the perspective of who you truly are. You find yourself.
So this is why I say sexual assault happened for me. Therefore I no longer consider the question of who I could've been with a heavy heart. I am who I was always meant to become and the "cross" of sexual trauma was the vehicle that helps me to continuously find me. I hope you are able to allow it to do the same for you.
Above I have described just two ways in which sexual trauma has impacted who I ultimately became but please know this does not in any way depict an exhausted list. In fact, I am certain that you have began developing your own list while resonated with the one’s I’ve shared. If we focus on who we could’ve been, we look backwards instead of focusing on the possibilities of who we can become.