What does this mean?
My daughter was teasing me not too long ago because I forgot to go to the grocery store for our normal Sunday shop. Because of this, my daughter had to get a bit creative with preparing herself breakfast. Because of my lack of preparation, I was shocked to learn that she made herself mozzarella cheese sticks and strawberries of all things for breakfast! We joked and I told her that at least she had food to eat. Her response was, "That's okay Mommy, I got me. even if you don't." We laughed so hard about this and I promised her I would do a better job managing my time to get to the store. I sat for a minute and thought about what she said. "...I go me, even when you don't." I had to acknowledge that she had a great point. We should always "have ourselves" even when others don't.
I read somewhere that the empaths of the world have to be careful in setting boundaries because the takers' of the world will sense you are an empathic giver and will take more than they give. This is the primary reason that empaths must become comfortable with establishing healthy boundaries. When we think of boundaries, we often think of where and how they limit us. I want to challenge that thought and encourage you to consider how setting these boundaries can free you.
Why You Should, "Have You?
When we don't take care of ourselves, the expectation that someone else will is what provides limitations. I have some unsettling news for you. No one is coming to save you! I learned this valuable lesson early and began to work towards saving myself. Waiting on someone else to save me gave my power away. It means that I depend on someone else to give me what I need when I need it.
Sexual trauma does some interesting things to the psyche. It will leave you feeling broken while convincing you that you are too broken to heal yourself. It knocks you off your center. Because we don't believe we can heal ourselves, we then turn to others to do the job for us. This is of course okay we are turning to a mental health professional or someone with authority in how to handle trauma. While, we know there are a number of reasons, such as shame and guilt, that will keep us from seeking help, more often than not, we are turning to loved ones that don't have the bandwidth to help us with our pain. We are rarely aware that we can tap into our intuition to guide us to the appropriate individual. We are usually turning to those that are unskilled and unhealed themselves to be of the greatest help to us. What we don't realize is that when we do this, we are taking the risk of damaging that relationship. Not to mention, until we arrive at that space of letting a professional in to help, we hurt people on our journey and often don't even know it until it's too late. We do this by placing our emotional weight on them due to our unhealed pain. Additionally, we hold an unfair expectation for them to adjust themselves so that we can then be comfortable. We ultimately allow outside energies to disturb our inner (wo) man. Again, we give away our power instead of healing what hurts ignorant of the fact that this process aids us in taking back our power.
If you think this isn't you, just consider how many people in the last 2 years you thought, "I'm cutting them off!" How many times have you expected someone to know your thoughts or anticipate your needs? If any of this sounds familiar, this is why it is necessary for you to know that you have the ability to start this journey of healing sexual trauma. These above examples indicate that you are forcing someone else to "Have You". I wanted to Have Me! This is why I began to heal with intention back in 2015.
How To Have You
The first step to having you is to simply acknowledge that you don't. Take a look at the relationships around you and try to identify where you are putting unrealistic expectations on others. Take a look at the boundaries of others that you are not honoring. The challenge with this is we often need help in identifying these spaces.
The next step to having you is to make the decision to have yourself. This doesn't mean that you have to have all the tools at that moment to have yourself, but simply making the decision to have yourself places you on the path to healing and discovery. This follows the idea given to us by Buddha that says, "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." This saying simply means that when our soul is ready. to grow and evolve, we will intuitively move towards seeing things that we never did before. We will see what always was from a different perspective that creates alchemy.
We often hear people recite the statement above yet they rarely share the universal principle in its entirety. The rest of the statement is,... "When the student is really ready, the teacher will disappear." It is upon this principle that SWW was created. Through life coaching and other healing modalities, I am able to be the teacher of the guide for my clients. I operate in this space understanding that when the client has learned karmic lessons and is operating by universal laws, they will then guide themselves. I am simply the conduit for them to do their work.
The final step to having you is creating the space for you to have you. This is where it gets difficult and people often pause. This step means action. This means behaviors must change. One tool that I use to create this space for myself is a therapeutic technique used when working with BPD called, Exact Opposite. In doing the exact opposite of what my unhealed self would do (that didn't move me forward), I instead do the opposite. I challenge myself to go outside of my comfort zone and do something different to move along my journey. This can range from calling my therapist when I know I need some support to, using different words to not bring toxic energy into relationships.
I have a bonus tip for you. The bonus step to having you is to celebrate the moments when you do have you. Again, in the spirit of not expecting someone to do something for me that I can do myself, I don't wait for someone else to celebrate my accomplishments and milestones. I do that for me too. This keeps me motivated because I get to celebrate the forward movement that others may not notice.
This is your reminder dear heart, you can begin to have you. No one is going to save you nor should you be expecting them to. There are those like me that can help you on the journey but you have to find the courage to reach out. If you are guided to me to help you on the journey, just know that when you do work with me, just know that I will have you as long as you have you. Because I know you can.