What if you just made the decision to let go? What if you let go of the desire to control, or self-defeating beliefs? How would your life change if you let go of the thought that others are trying to hurt you? What if you stopped resisting what was happening and just fell into the changes? What could you learn? Who would you become? If you are anything like me, these contemplations are extremely scary. When you have lived life from this space for so long and know no other way to be, that can cause a person to feel lost and vulnerable. These questions I began asking myself, and I am grateful I did because it changed the way I was showing up in life. I can't begin to tell you how much fun I am now having on this journey.
I was married to my ex-husband for about 12 yrs when I finally accepted that I was unhappy and it wasn't his fault. I was unhappy because I thought that I could only find happiness was if I followed what others had told me. Further, I thought that if I could control others being mad at me, I could and would be happy. So I remained married repressing the fact I was gay because I knew that coming out would result in a great upset in the family. I understood that if I was gay, God would also not be pleased with me and I desperately wanted to please God. I guess you could say I was trying to be a God and people pleaser. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to feel like I was good because multiple sexual violations told me I was bad, damaged, and broken. So, suppressing my sexuality was the way I felt I could keep God and people pleased with me. What I didn't know was that I was killing myself inside. I had to let go of this desire to control what others thought and felt about me and begin to live by my own standards. I had to let go so I could ultimately find myself.
Thinking that "I can't do it" was an energy that I held on to for so very long. I never felt strong or capable and went through the majority of life from this space. In fact, my inner dialogue was beginning to bubble out and I began speaking just as negatively as I was thinking. Yeah, we can only hide this for so long after a while it must come out. I was beginning to see in my reality what I was saying about myself internally. This was clearly holding me down making me unable to even attempt the great things that Most High had placed on my heart to do in this life. At some point, I stopped resisting and remembered I had the ability to change my reality. It began with my mindset and how I chose to see life and myself in it. I had to let go.
Please Don't Hurt Me
Feeling unsafe, especially in your own home has got to be one the most frightening things one can experience. Every time a maintenance person would come to my home to fix something, I would internally freak out. In full disclosure, I still have a reaction but it has drastically decreased in intensity and duration. I realized I had even been rude to these individuals due to my extreme feeling of being unsafe. Now when my psyche is telling me that I am unsafe, I can quiet my mind allowing these thoughts to pass. The unhealed wound of sexual violation was telling me that others were always out to hurt me. I obviously had an unhealed wound and I was beginning to bleed on others. I had to let go. Moving through life feeling others were out to get me was exhausting and kept me feeling weighed down. I had to let go so I could sore.
Now Its Your Turn
Take a look back at the photo on this page. I would like you to imagine that the balloons are composed of the energy of whatever it is that is weighing you down. What do you need to let go of? What is holding your focus right now? Is your mind on things that prevent you from feeling grounded at this moment? But what if you chose to simply let those things go. What if you resolved in your mind that everything is happening as part of your journey to help you in understanding and connect to yourself?
Today I have decided to surrender to my higher self and what It knows. It is ready to let go of ego and all things that don't serve Its highest purpose of discovery. Today It knows that Lori is absolutely amazing. It finds life fascinating and it feels freer and more grounded than it ever has. It continues to use life as the teacher it is and plays the scientist as we are meant to. What do you surrender to today? What are you ready to let go of?